In the midst of stress, He holds my hands

Day 204

Terrible Day,

Woke up still having this excruciating pain I slept with.

It's not a new pain. First started some 6 years ago. But I cannot remember the last time I had it. It showed me signs last week but normalized. I strongly feel it's the stress from days 184-202 that caused this.

It was a terrible 3 weeks. Back to back poor sleep, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week call. I was told ladies aren't allowed to go through that unit, and the guys that go there are usually paired with ladies. When I came to get signed in on day 184, I had told him that I'm convalescing, Paediatrics last call had me do it sick and turned out the most hectic call I ever did in all my 92 days with them🙄. Entered that call sick and came out sicker and had to go off for one week to recover. I returned still a little weak. I asked to be signed into a cool place so as to rest a while but he didn't budge. I still feel I was snitched on as in someone probably told him about my attitude to work and as such, I appeared the most qualified to suffer and die in Paediatric surgery. Luckily, he left me a colleague for the first five days. She guided me and stood in till I was strong enough to run. Then all hell was let loose, she left and I had to do some terrible follow up and check in on these patients.

Now again, I'm done and my limbs can't carry me. Quality of life has reduced in the name of practising medicine. I can't keep getting sick off and on tough postings. Whatever gave my chiefs the mindset that I'm a strong woman should repaint their minds.😭 I'm a frail girl, dedicated yes, excellent yes, delivers yes, even under duress yes, when over worked no no no no, I break down.

So now, in all these my Lamentations, I like to look for the hand of God in my life. That's my very own attitude to life. This is because He's said that for all things work together for the good of they that love the Lord. And also He has said He would not let us be tempted beyond what we can carry. So I remembered all these scriptures and refused to despair. I had hope a little. But I had to now start bugging to be released, my consos had to speak on my behalf before a change was made.  Just the day after the change, my limb failed. 

Oh no!😭 I wept. I wept not just for the pain I was in, but for the fact that I felt pained and used.

Did I learn lessons? A couple:

Saw a miracle: failed bowel regaining strength.

Formed formidable bonds.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Learned not to be angry with people really. If God allowed it, He probably wanted me to go through it. And of course my attitudes in there is part of the training.

Above all, I'm not super woman, I'm a very frail girl being helped seriously by Christ.